Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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