I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
