ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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