yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
