She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
