After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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