Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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