The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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