There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
