Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
