When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
