I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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