The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
