just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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