Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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