that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
