The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
