This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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