can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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