hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
