$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
