If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
