hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
