I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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