I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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