Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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