I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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