Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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