You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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