I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
