I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
