im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
