Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
