I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
