I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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