I didn't shave. On purpose
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
