i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
tell me about the fingering
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