dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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