My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
