The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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