i think my tv is drunk
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
