you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
