I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
