i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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