I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
