i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
