Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
