Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
