I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
