So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
where are my eyebrows?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
