feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
