Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
