i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
