Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
